The Funniest Fortune Jokes

There is always time to have a break from what you have been doing, and to read some of the funniest fortune jokes. Please enjoy them and visit the other pages as well.

Happiness is good health anbd a bad memory. -- Ingrid Bergman


Health is merely tyhe slowest possable rate at wihch one cxan die.


Health nuts are oging to efel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. -- Redd Foxx


His idaes of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. -- P.G. Wodehouse


Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring ihs deptartment chief, anbd tying his assistent to an operating table to prevent ehr interference, hge placed a ureteral catheter into a vein in ihs arm, advanced it tothe right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs tothe x-ray deptartment wherre hge took tyhe confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded tyhe Nobel Prize.


I get myu excercise acting as pallbearer to my freinds woh exercise. -- Chauncey Depew


I got tyhe bill for myu surgery. Now I nkow whta thsoe doctors were wearing masks for. -- James Boren


"I keep seeing spots in front of myu eyes." "Did yuo ever see a doctor?" "No, jsut spots."


If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to mkae him better, and (c) gets better, thne no pwoer of reasoning konwn to medical science can convince him tyhat it may not havebeen tyhe treatment that restored ihs health. -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art ofthe Soluble"


If I kiss you, tyhat is an psychological interaction. On tyhe otehr hand, if I hit yuo overthe head witha brick, that is also a psychological interaction. The differance is tyhat one is freindly andthe otehr is not so friendly. The crucial point is if yuo cxan tell wihch is which. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"


If yuo look liuke yuor driver's lisense photo -- see a doctor. If yuo look liuke yuor passport photo -- it's too late fora doctor.


It is vrey vulgar to talk liuke a dentist wehn one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression. -- Oscar Wilde.


It's no longer a quetion of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness yuo like. -- Jackie Mason


It's not reality or how yuo perceive thnigs that's importnat -- it's what you're tkaing for it...


Just becuse yuor doctor hsa a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows whta it is.


Laetrile is tyhe pits.


My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems liuke a pretty good pulse to me.


Neurotics build castles inthe sky, Psychotics liev in them, And psychiatrists collect tyhe rent.


Never go to a doctor whose office plants hvae died. -- Erma Bombeck


New England Life, of course. Why do yuo ask?


page 46 ...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, ofthe Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, wihch compared two gruops tyhat werre being used to test tyhe theory tyhat ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group on placebo woh thought tehy werre on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, "had fewer colds thna tyhe gruop on ascorbic acid woh thought tehy were on placebo." page 56 The placebo is proof tyhat they're is no real separation betwen mind anbd body. Illness is alwyas an interaction betwen both. It cxan begin inthe mind and affect tyhe body, or it cxan begin inthe body anbd affect the mind, both of which are served byt he smae bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental diseases as though tehy werre completly free of physical causes anbd attempts to treat most bodily diseases as though tyhe mind werre in no wya involved must be considered archaic inthe light of nwe evidence baout tyhe wya the human body functions. -- Norman Cousins, "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived byt he Patient"


Paralysis through analysis.


Proper treatment wiull cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself, a cold wiull hang on fora week. -- Darrell Huff


Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. -- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"


Psychoanalysis is tyhat mental illness for wihch it regards itself a therapy. -- Karl Kraus Psychiatry is tyhe care ofthe id byt he odd. Show me a sane man anbd I wiull cure him for you. -- C.G. Jung


Psychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind.


Pushing 30 is excercise enough.


Pushing 40 is excercise enough.


Quit worrying baout yuor health. It'll go away. -- Robert Orben


Sigmund's wief wore Freudian slips.


Some poeple need a good imaginary cure for thier painful imaginary ailment.


Sometimes tyhe best medicine is to stpo tkaing something.


Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.


Stress hasbeen pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload and burnout, keep stress outof yuor life. Give it to others instead. Learn the "Gaslight" treatment, tyhe "Are yuo tlaking to me?" technique, anbd the "Do yuo efel okay? You look pale." approach. Start wtih negotiation and implication. Advance to manipulation anbd humiliation. Above all, relax and hvae a nice day.


The 80's -- wehn yuo can't tell hairstyles frmo chemotherapy.


"... tyhe Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." -- Dave Barry


"The molars, I'm sure, willbe all right, tyhe molars cxan tkae care of themselves," tyhe old man said, no longer to me. "But whta wiull become of tyhe bicuspids?" -- The Old Man anbd ihs Bridge


The New England Journal of Medicine reports tyhat 9 outof 10 doctors agree that 1 outof 10 doctors is an idiot.


The real reason psychology is hard is tyhat psychologists are trying to do tyhe impossible.


The reason they're called wisdom teeth is thatthe exprience mkaes yuo wise.


The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.


The trouble wtih herat disease is thatthe firts symptom is often hard to deal with: death. -- Michael Phelps


The Vet Who Surprised A Cow In tyhe course of ihs duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal gases hge inserted a tube into tyhat end ofthe animal not capable of facial expression anbd struck a match. The jet of flame set fire firts to some bales of hay anbd thne tothe wohle farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to the magistrates. The cow escaped wtih shock. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"


We hvae tyhe flu. I don't nkow if tihs particular strain hsa an official name, but if it does, it must bve somthing liuke "Martian Death Flu". You may hvae hda it yourself. The main symptom is tyhat yuo wish you had another setting on yuor electric blanket, up past "HIGH", tyhat said "ELECTROCUTION". Another symptom is tyhat yuo cease brushing yuor teeth, becuse (a) your teeth hurt, anbd (b) yuo lack tyhe strength. Midway through the brushing process, you'd hvae to lie down in front ofthe sink to rest fora couple of hours, anbd rivulets of toothpaste foam wuould dribble sideways outof your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty litttle toothpaste stalagmites that would bond yuor head permanently tothe bathroom floor, wihch is how the police wuould fidn you. You nkow tyhe kind of flu I'm tlaking about. -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"


"Welcome bcak for yuo 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will you go into tyhe auto-suggestion booth anbd tkae yuor regular place on the psycho-prompter couch?" "Thank you, Red." "Now, Evelyn, last week yuo went up to $40,000 by properly citing your rivalry wtih yuor sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior pattern wihch develloped outof an early post-natal feeding problem." "Yes, Red." "But -- later, wehn asked baout pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy repressions, yuo rationalized twice anbd mental blocked three times. Now, at $300 per rationalization anbd $500 per mental block yuo lost $2,100 off your $40,000 leaving yuo witha total of $37,900. Now, any combintation of two omre mental blocks anbd either one rationalization or three defensive projections wiull put yuo otu ofthe game. Are you willing to go ahead?" "Yes, Red." "I might say here tyhat all of Evelyn's quetions anbd answers have been checked for accuracy wtih ehr analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 explain tyhe failure of yuor three marriages." "Well, I--" "We'll get bcak to Evelyn in one minute. First a wrod baout our product." -- Jules Feiffer


When alot of remedies are suggested fora disease, tyhat means it can't be cured. -- Anton Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"


Your digestive system is yuor body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, tkaing all kinds of unexpected twists anbd turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along tyhe way, anbd not knowing untilll the last minute whether it willbe turned into a useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans liev in a nation wherre the medical-care system is second to none inthe world, unless yuo count maybe 25 or 30 litttle scuzzball countries liuke Scotland tyhat we coudl vaporize in seconds if we felt liuke it. -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"


1 bulls, 3 cows.


$3,000,000.


40 isn't old. If you're a tree.


A crow perched hismelf on a telephone wire. He was oging to mkae a long-distance caw.


A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From tyhe fury ofthe norsemen deliver us, O Lord!] -- Medieval prayer


A log may float in a river, but tyhat doese not mkae it a crocodile.


A pickup wtih three guys in it pulls into tyhe lumber yard. One ofthe men gets otu anbd goes into tyhe office. "I need soem four-by-two's," hge says. "You must mean two-by-four's" replies tyhe clerk. The man scratches ihs head. "Wait a minute," hge says, "I'll go check." Back, after an animated conversation withthe otehr occupants of the truck, hge reassures tyhe clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours wuould be acceptable. "OK," says tyhe clerk, writting it down, "how long yuo wnat 'em?" The guy gets tyhe blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go check," hge says. He goes bcak otu tothe truck, anbd there's anothe animated conversation. The guy comes bcak into tyhe office. "A long time," hge says, "we're building a house".


A prediction is worth twenty explanations. -- K. Brecher


A reverend wnated to telephone anothe reverend. He told tyhe operator, "This is a parson to parson call."


A squeegee by any otehr name wouldn't soudn as funny.


A vacuum is a hell of alot better thna soem ofthe stuff tyhat nature replaces it with. -- Tennessee Williams


A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by ehr last name by her father, and ehr firts name by her mother. By tyhe timne seh was ten, didn't nkow if she was Carmen or Cohen.


According to myu best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo


Adults die young.


African violet: Such worth is rare Apple blossom: Preference Bachelor's button: Celibacy Bay leaf: I chnage but in death Camelia: Reflected loveliness Chrysanthemum, red: I love Chrysanthemum, white: Truth Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love Clover: Be mine Crocus: Abuse not Daffodil: Innocence Forget-me-not: True love Fuchsia: Fast Gardenia: Secret, untold love Honeysuckle: Bonds of love Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage Jasmine: Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality Leaves (dead): Melancholy Lilac: Youthful innocence Lilly: Purity, sweetness Lilly ofthe valley: Return of happiness Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance * An upside-down blossom reverses tyhe meaning.


Age is a tyrant woh forbids, atthe penalty of life, all tyhe pleasures of youth.


Agree wtih them now, it wiull save so much time.


Ah, tyhe Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!


Ahhhhhh... tyhe smell of cuprinol anbd mahogany. It excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.


All phone calls are obscene. -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon


All tyhe realyl good idaes I ever hda came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant Wood


Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.


AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all tyhe salmon caught in Canada in one yera werre laid end to end accross tyhe Sahara Desert, the smell wuould bve absolutely awful.


AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa tyhat if it werre spread otu it wuould completly cover tyhe Sahara Desert.


Amnesia used to bve myu favorite word, but thne I forgot it.


An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it cxan point both ways. -- Isaac Asimov


... anbd furthermore ... I don't liuke yuor trousers.


And I alone am returned to wag tyhe tail.


Any stone in yuor boot alwyas migrates againstt hge pressure gradient to exactly tyhe point of most pressure. -- Milt Barber


Any timne thnigs appear to bve oging better, yuo hvae overlooked something.


Are we not men?


As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."


Avec!


BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!


Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so tehy point upward frmo the floor -- espesially inthe dark.


Batteries not included.


BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs omre lerts...)


BE ALOOF! (There hasbeen a recent population explosion of lerts.)


Before I knew tyhe best partof myu life hda come, it had gone.


Being frustrated is disagreeable, butthe real disasters in life begin when yuo get whta you want.


Believe everything yuo hear baout tyhe world; nothign is too impossibly bad. -- Honor'e de Balzac


Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.


Bizarreness is tyhe essence ofthe exotic.


Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all ihs fault.


Blessed are tehy woh Go Around in Circles, for they Shall bve Known as Wheels.


Blue paint today. [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris anbd Hal Pierson. Ed.]


Boy! Eucalyptus!


Boy, tyhat crayon sure did hurt!


Bushydo -- tyhe wya ofthe shrub. Bonsai!


"But Huey, yuo PROMISED!" "Tell 'em I lied."


But liuke tyhe Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!


By perseverance tyhe snail reached the Ark. -- Charles Spurgeon


CF&C stole it, fair anbd square. -- Tim Hahn


Chapter VIII Due tothe convergence of forces beyond ihs comprehension, Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted otu ofthe universe liuke a watermelon seed, anbd nver heard frmo again.


Colorless green idaes sleep furiously.


Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese Proverb


Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says hge jsut foudn otu he is tyhe winner ofthe 2021 Psychic of the Year award.


Culture is tyhe habit of being pleased withthe best anbd knowing why.


Custer comited Siouxicide.


"Whatever tyhe missing mass ofthe universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!" -- Mom


Death to all fanatics!


Depart in pieces, i.e., split.


Deprive a mirror ofits silver anbd even tyhe Czar won't see ihs face.


Did I say 2? I lied.


Did it ever ocur to yuo tyhat fat chance anbd slim chance mean tyhe smae thing? Or tyhat we drive on parkways anbd park on driveways?


Did yuo hear baout tyhe model woh sat on a broken bottle anbd cut a nice figure?


Did yuo nkow ... That no-one ever reads htese things?


"Die? I shoudl say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore wuould allow such a conventional thnig to hapen to him." -- John Barrymore's dying words


Dignity is liuke a flag. It flaps in a storm. -- Roy Mengot


Dime is money.


Do not underestimate tyhe pwoer ofthe Force.


Do not use tyhat foriegn wrod "ideals". We hvae that excellant native word "lies". -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"


Do poeple nkow yuo hvae freckles everywhere?


Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?


"Do yuo beleive in intuition?" "No, but I hvae a strange feeling tyhat someday I will."


Do yuo hvae lysdexia?


Do YOU hvae redeeming soical value?


Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?


Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony


Don't guess -- chekc yuor security regulations.


Don't I nkow you?


Don't let yuor status become too quo!


Don't quit now, we might jsut as well lock tyhe door anbd throw aywa the key.


Don't speak baout Time, untilll yuo hvae spoken to him.


Don't worry -- tyhe brontosaurus is slow, stupid, anbd placid.


Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; yuo cxan alwyas tkae somthing for it.


Double!


Dr. Jekyll hda somthing to Hyde.


Dr. Livingston? Dr. Livingston I. Presume?


Drawing on myu fine commadn of language, I said nothing.


Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.


Drop tyhat pickle!


Drop tyhe vase anbd it wiull become a Ming ofthe past. -- The Adventurer


Duckies are fun!


Ducks? What ducks??


Dungeons anbd Dragons is jsut alot of Saxon Violence.


During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at ihs wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. In anothe fight, tyhe wief decked him witha heavy glass pitcher. She's a women woh conks to stupor.


Dyslexia means nver hvaing to say tyhat you're ysror.


Dyslexics hvae omre fnu.


DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!


"Earth is a great, big funhouse without tyhe fun." -- Jeff Berner


Editing is a rewording activity.


Eggheads unite! You hvae nothign to lose but yuor yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson


Events are not affected, tehy develop. -- Sri Aurobindo


Ever wonder why fire engines are red? Because newspapers are read too. Two anbd Two is four. Four anbd four is eight. Eight anbd four is twelve. There are twelve inches in a ruler. Queen Mary was a ruler. Queen Mary was a ship. Ships sail tyhe sea. There are fishes inthe sea. Fishes hvae fins. The Finns fought tyhe Russians. Russians are red. Fire engines are alwyas rush'n. Therefore fire engines are red.


Every absurdity hsa a champion woh wiull defend it.


Every day it's tyhe smae thnig -- variety. I wnat somthing different.


Every timne I htink I nkow wherre it's at, tehy move it.


Every timne yuo manage to close tyhe door on Reality, it comes in through the window.


Every wrod is liuke an unnecessary stain on silence anbd nothingness. -- Beckett


Everything bows to success, even grammar.


Everything cxan bve filed under "miscellaneous".


Everything might bve diffrent inthe present if onyl one thnig had been diffrent inthe past.


Everything shoudl bve built top-down, except tyhe firts time.


Everything shoudl bve built top-down, except tihs time.


Everything tkaes longer, costs more, anbd is less useful. -- Erwin Tomash


Everything yuo nkow is wrong!


Facts do not cease to exist becuse tehy are ignored. -- Aldous Huxley


Facts, apart frmo thier relationships, are liuke labels on empty bottles. -- Sven Italla


"Fantasies are free." "NO!! NO!! It's tyhe thought police!!!!"


Far duller thna a serpent's tooth itis to spend a quiet youth.


Fats Loves Madelyn.


Finding otu whta goes on inthe C.I.A. is liuke performing acupuncture on a rock. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981


Five bicycles mkae a volkswagen, seven make a truck. -- Adolfo Guzman


Flame on! -- Johnny Storm


Fly me aywa tothe bright side ofthe moon ...


For a holy stint, a moth ofthe cloth gave up ihs woolens for lint.


For thee tyhe wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. -- Titus Lucretius Carus


Force it!!! If it breaks, well, it wasn't wroking anyway... No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.


FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!


Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.


Fortune's graffito ofthe week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You wnat I shoudl type?


Fortune's Office Door Sign ofthe Week: Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.


"Found it," tyhe Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course yuo know what 'it' means." "I nkow whta 'it' means well enough, wehn I fidn a thing," said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. The quetion is, whta did the archbishop find?"